How to Win Friends and Be Influenced by People

Yesterday's post seems to have touched a chord for a reader who commented about how hard it can be to make new friends and form a community. Friendship for us humans is a very powerful and fundamental concept. It is not simply a matter of having someone to hang out with on a Friday night. Close friendships and social interactions are downright essential for health.

Making friends is not a trivial task. I read a post a couple of months ago that generated a lot of discussion in the comments. In real life too, this comes up often in conversation, about how we made friends quickly in school and college but now it seems to be harder for some reason.

The post title is written in humor; I'm certainly no expert at the art of making friends. But I have a good track record or perhaps a very lucky streak and have ended up with the loveliest friends you can imagine, and some of these friendships have lasted for decades across continents. Like falling in love, finding a best friend is not something you can really plan or predict, but you can certainly create conditions that attract good people into your life. For what it's worth, here are some things I've noticed about forming friendships. Some of these lessons came the hard way, by making mistakes and losing some friends along the way. You live and learn, right? 

How strangers and acquaintances become friends:

1. Be interested in people. Not in a nosy way, but in a way where you want to hear their story and know what their life is like. Some people have such a talent for this. I remember a former neighbor (50-something woman in St. Louis) telling me that she was on the phone with a computer tech person in a call center in India. While they were on the phone waiting for her computer to reboot, she starts chatting with this guy, asking him about how he likes his job and about his life and what he dreams of doing. Instead of fretting and fuming about her computer problem and about having to be on the phone with tech support for an hour, she ended up with a very friendly cross-cultural conversation! The guy told her about the job he really wanted and the girl he liked. And he successfully fixed her computer too.

2. Be a good listener: My BFF Neighbor Girl is the best listener I know. Because, you know, she actually listens instead of using that time to think of the next thing to say (which is what I'm guilty of doing). We can have an hour long chat where I casually mention that I have a meeting with my boss on Wednesday, and the following week, you can bet she'll ask me, so how did your meeting go?

3. Be a cheerleader: To make a friend, you have to be a friend. This means cheering on your friends, celebrating their big and small achievements, supporting their dreams. Competition and jealousy kills friendships instantly. You have to be genuinely happy for your friends' joys, and genuinely sad when things go wrong. Success is not a zero sum game.

4. Know yourself: Once I realized that I get uncomfortable and uncharacteristically shy in large groups, I sought out smaller gatherings. Putting myself in an environment that brings out the best in me is more conducive to forming friendships. Personally, I'm at my very best in one-on-one conversations.

5. Be a good person: I don't know how else to say this but the world likes people who are kind and genial and who have a big heart. That's why my husband makes friends easily- because people like him.

6. Open your home: V and I have always kept an open door policy. We don't care that our home often has dog hair everywhere, we never got around to decorating and the furniture doesn't match. People know they can knock on the door and be invited in and offered tea or a hot meal. There's always room at our table and we always have time to sit and talk with a friend. I remember V had a new colleague joining his workplace years ago. The colleague and his wife and baby were coming to St. Louis to look for an apartment- he asked them to stay with us. We had no guest room, just a couch with a very uncomfortable pull out bed. But they came and stayed and we became the best of friends. When Lila came along a few years later, we did not have to buy any baby clothes or toys or even a bassinet- these kind people handed down tons of great stuff from their daughter. My last night in St. Louis, Lila and I stayed at their home. How things come full circle.
      With Neighbor Girl too, she was my downstairs neighbor and we ran into each other walking our dogs and in the elevator etc. But one day we were having a conversation in the elevator, and instead of saying "bye now" when the elevator reached her floor, I said, "want to come in for a cup of tea?". Imagine what I would have missed if I had ended the conversation and gone on to my very important (and completely forgettable) chores for the day.

7. Be responsive: Choose a mode of communication- e-mail, phone, texts- and make sure your friends can reach you and communicate easily with you. When you communicate, mean what you say and say what you mean.

8. Connect through common interests: Some of my closest friends I've met through blogging and knitting and community gardening. Join a group, take classes, start a club, show up at a community event and you'll find like-minded people and friendships will blossom. Also, these are often friendships with people who are of very different backgrounds or ages than yourself, which is such an enriching experience. Of course, pets and kids are the common thread for forming deep friendships that go beyond doing stuff with the kids or the dogs. So get a dog! From a shelter for extra good karma! Walk it around the neighborhood and make some friends. No, seriously, we've made so many friends through Dale.

9. Volunteer: Again, choose a cause that you love. While you're stuffing envelopes for a political cause, or grooming shelter animals or cooking in a community kitchen (as I was when I met my friend Bek), you'll meet nice people that are worth knowing.

10. Don't put up with bullshit: You have to be your own best friend. If ever you find a friendship getting toxic, sucking more out of you than you put in, walk away. You should know how to set down boundaries and no one will ever be able to mess with you. 

11. Don't be a drama llama: Forget the gossip and back-biting. Drama is for books and TV. There's usually enough drama through relatives (whom you don't get to choose, alas) and in the workplace. Friendships should be about support and joy. These are people you get to choose, for crying out loud.

12. Cook! Forget what I said above, THIS is the real secret to making friends. Learn to cook and they will adore you for life. They'll put with all your personality faults. And then you can distribute love in the form of soup, chana masala and pans of brownies. 

Now, your turn: tell me your best stories about making friends.